# We're not going out, not staying in
# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
# But there is no need to scream and shout
# We're not going out
♪ We are not going out. ♪
KNOCK AT DOOR
Oh. Hi, Anna. Thanks for taking Charlie to the party.
How was it? Rowdy. You know how unbearable some children can be.
Mum! Look what I won at the party! The others are losers!
I won the ugly face competition.
Oh, the words every proud mother loves to hear(!)
Though, to be fair, I think your dad takes the credit.
I want the keyring! You can't! I won it, Jack.
It's not fair! I wanted one! Well, tough! Cos you're a loser!
Loser, loser, loser, loser! Kids, eh?
Can't live with them... You've got no bloody choice though, have you?
At least when they're fully grown, we can harvest their organs.
So, um, any plans for the weekend?
Yes, Toby and I are having our usual romantic Saturday date night. Oh?
Our therapist seems to think
if we go through the motions of having a loving relationship,
we might be able to trick our brains into thinking it's real
and achieve some sort of emotional connection. Well, it only takes a spark to light a bonfire.
Yes, I have thought about that, but Jack would miss him.
So, every Saturday, we send Jack on a sleepover.
Toby and I go to a restaurant together, drink enough wine
to float a small frigate and then we attempt to have sex.
Don't the waiters mind?
I'm not convinced about the whole idea, but I'm making the effort.
We try to go for a different style every week. The food, not the...
I won the keyring! I won the keyring!
I hate you! Jack! You know that hate is a Mummy and Daddy word.
Do you mind? Some old lady's about to find out her priceless Ming vase
is actually from Poundland.
I can't find it anywhere. This is awful.
What?
Charlie's keyring that he won at the party.
SWITCHES TV OFF I think Jack stole it.
Are you sure?
Well, I've looked everywhere and there's no sign of it.
And Jack really wanted one.
Maybe Charlie gave it to him.
Charlie?
Our Charlie?
Giving away his competition prize?
All right, maybe Charlie sold it to him.
He didn't give it to him. He's really upset it's gone missing.
Has Jack nicked things before?
Not that I know of. But there was that Furby that vanished recently. The what?
You know, that little bright pink toy that makes funny noises.
One eye missing, smells funny, ear hanging off. Are you sure it didn't just kill itself?
You can't start blaming Jack for everything that goes missing.
OK, fine. I can't prove he stole the Furby,
but I'm sure he did steal the keyring. All right.
If you tell me he stole the keyring, he stole the keyring. Good.
SWITCHES TV ON
Well? Well, that's sorted then, isn't it?
You can stop looking for it. Is that it?
Well, I could phone CID, but I think they're still working
full time on the "who left the lid off the toothpaste" case.
SWITCHES TV OFF
All right. What do you want to do about it?
Go round and tell Anna and Toby. You're not serious! It'll be fine, they're our friends.
Exactly. And when there's a problem between friends, you're supposed to do the adult thing.
Don't mention it, resent them for a few weeks, and hope the whole thing goes away.
I really think we should say something. For Jack's sake too.
He needs to learn that stealing is wrong. What if one day he ends up locked up in jail?
Well, then, stealing big keyrings will be a useful skill to have.
OK, maybe Anna and Toby ought to know about this.
Going round there is probably the right thing to do. Thank you.
Good luck. SWITCHES TV ON
SWITCHES TV OFF
We're both going. I need your back-up. Oh, trust me.
You've got my back up.
DOORBELL RINGS
Hi!
Oh, hello. This is a surprise. Just passing.
JACK: It's not fair! ANNA: Stop shouting!
JACK: No! ANNA: Do not speak to me like that!
I hope we're not interrupting anything. Not at all.
You are in BIG trouble now, Jack! Jack, look, Lee and Lucy are here.
Oh, hello. I'm sorry if you heard our little contretemps.
Oh, no. Not really.
Yeah, couldn't hear anything over all that screaming.
We weren't expecting you.
Well, there was something I wanted to talk to you about.
In fact, we both wanted to, didn't we, Lee?
Yes.
Are we just going to stand around, looking at each other awkwardly?
I get enough of that on our date night.
Date night? Is that one of those kinky ones
when you fantasise you've never met each other? No.
That is a fantasy I have quite often though.
Remember that toy keyring that Charlie won at the party?
Well, after you left, he couldn't find it and I remembered that
Jack really wanted one and so we wondered if Jack had taken it.
Oh, I see.
Well, I'm glad you came round and told us.
I'd have hated for you not to have said anything.
I knew you would.
But just to let you know, he didn't take it.
Charlie probably put it down somewhere and lost it.
It's easily done in the mess of...
..people's houses.
To be fair, Anna, we can't be certain that Jack didn't take it.
Right. Well, there's a very simple way to settle this.
Jack, will you come downstairs, please?
What? Can you come and sit down, Jack?
We just want to ask you a few questions.
Nothing to worry about.
Jack, when you were at Lucy's house earlier,
did you take Charlie's toy keyring? No.
Scout's honour? Yes.
Right.
Well, good.
Wow! That was like watching Michael Madsen cut that bloke's ear off in Reservoir Dogs.
Yes, Toby. Let's do this properly, shall we?
Turn out your pockets, please.
Mum... Do it.
There you go. No keyring. Yeah, but he could have put it somewhere else.
Shall I fetch a rubber glove from the kitchen?
You can go now, Jack.
Glad to have put your minds at rest. It is possible he's not telling the truth, Anna.
So now he's a liar and a thief?
No, but perhaps he told you what he thought you wanted to hear to
avoid getting into trouble. We don't do that in our house, do we, Toby?
Absolutely not, darling.
Jack knows the meaning of the words right and wrong
and that makes him an honest boy.
Well, I know the meaning of the word ecclesiastical, doesn't make me a...
Perhaps you should have gone with a word you do actually know the meaning of.
I don't know if you noticed, but Jack and I were having a disagreement when you came in.
Do you know why? Because I wasn't available?
Because ever since we left your house, he's been going on
and on about wanting one of those ridiculous little keyrings.
Do you really think he'd be doing that if he'd stolen Charlie's?
Right.
Well, I didn't realise that.
Clearly.
So, is there anything else we can help you with?
Look, I think we should put all this behind us and move on.
What do you say, Anna? I don't know.
What do you say to people who've made
allegations against your family? "See you later, allegators?"
Is now a good time to mention the pink Furby? Bye.
Kids? We're leaving in ten minutes.
Make sure you've got your costumes and armbands.
Swimming lessons? No, Hitler Youth rally.
Yes, swimming lessons. Are you still looking for that keyring? It's not here.
Jack definitely stole it. Oh, you've changed your tune. Well, you didn't see the look he gave me.
He looked so guilty. He's a boy. They have a permanent look of guilt.
He's in training for being a man.
But like Anna said, if he'd have stolen it, why would
he still be acting all moody and begging her to buy him one?
Exactly! Acting! He was putting on a performance. I find that hard to believe.
I know how the mind of an eight-year-old boy works. I find that easier to believe.
Look, I know it was my idea to go round there in the first place,
but I think I got it wrong. All right, then. So, where's the keyring?
I don't know, but I don't think Jack's got it. In fact, I think we should stop at Anna
and Toby's on the way to swimming and apologise.
You're coming, too.
No chance! In the words of Molly's favourite song, let it go!
And in the words of my favourite song, that kid's for hanging,
he took what's ours, and we're gonna make him pay...by...
Are you making this up? Yeah.
DOORBELL RINGS
Don't tell me. You're back and this time you have a warrant.
We've come round to say we're sorry, Anna.
We shouldn't have made accusations. Should we, Lee?
No. I should never have called Jack a juvenile delinquent.
You didn't. I know, I should never have said he should be locked up in borstal.
You didn't say that either. And I definitely shouldn't have said that Anna is a self-righteous...
Yes, thank you, Lee.
Speak of "the devil".
Well, thank you for coming round to clear the air.
Yes, it was very gracious of you both to accept you were
completely and utterly in the wrong.
Perhaps I should go upstairs and apologise to Jack in person.
There's no need to do that.
Yeah, and we've got to go, the kids are in the car, we've got swimming.
Actually, could I just use your toilet before we go?
Can't you wait until we're at the pool?
They've got a chemical that makes the water turn blue.
We're going to be late. Well, I'll meet you there.
OK. Bye.
And sorry again.
The toilet's just there.
Right, well, you might want to turn the radio up nice and loud then.
Or use a different toilet. Probably for the best.
After all, we have just cleared the air.
Where is it? At the train station down the road.
It's upstairs.
MUSIC PLAYS
I'm just looking for the bathroom. It's there.
That your bedroom, is it? What do YOU think?
Would my mum have a sign on her bedroom door that says "Danger! Toxic!"?
Well? Are you going to the bathroom or not?
Gotcha!
Don't leave your swimming stuff in your bags.
It'll go all stale and mouldy!
That's how we grew your father.
Oh, you're here. Why didn't you come swimming?
Because I was so weighed down with my newfound knowledge, I thought I might drown.
I've got something to show you.
Actually, I've got something to show you.
Charlie put his coat on after swimming
and guess what fell out of the sleeve.
So, it's a good job we apologised to Anna.
Turned out Jack didn't steal it after all.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Oh, hi, Anna.
Come in.
Everything OK? It's a bit awkward. Actually, it's about that keyring.
Oh? Jack's been complaining non-stop about not having one
and I did what every parent shouldn't do.
I gave in.
So, first thing this morning, just before you two came round to
apologise, I popped out and bought Jack the identical keyring.
Right. Well, the thing is, it's now suddenly disappeared.
And?
Well, Jack's keyring went missing just after Lee had gone
upstairs to use the toilet.
I think the two might be related. Are you sure?
You didn't know Lee when you got pregnant.
If Lee had seen the keyring, he would, of course,
have assumed it to be Charlie's.
Hang on, are you saying Lee stole Jack's toy keyring?
Well...
Yes, I am saying that.
You're saying your child's toy was stolen by my husband? Yes.
A grown adult?
I didn't say that bit.
This is ridiculous. Lee did go upstairs at our house. Yeah, but to use the toilet.
But he didn't use the toilet. I went in there afterwards
and the brand new bar of soap hadn't been touched. Trust me, that proves nothing.
OK, well, there's a simple way to settle this.
Lee, can you come down here, please?
What? It's OK. We just wanted to ask you a few questions.
Lee, when we were at Anna's earlier, did you take Jack's toy keyring?
No.
Do you promise?
Yes.
Turn out your pockets, please.
Do it.
Do you want to frisk him, or shall I?
Let's not argue, girls. Why don't you both do it?
No, thank you. My vaccinations aren't up to date.
Look, Jack just probably put it down somewhere and forgot about it.
Easily done in the mess of some people's houses.
I've stripped Jack's bedroom, the playroom, it's definitely gone.
Well, it's not here.
Right. Well,
I suppose there's not much more to discuss.
She's got a nerve.
Making accusations like that.
Typical Anna.
What did you do that for? Because I haven't got a baseball bat.
What have you done with it? Done with what? You know what.
What have you done with the one of these you stole from Jack?
He probably just lost it, like you said.
Quite easy with the state of his bedroom.
I would have thought. All right, yes, I did nick it
and I've just stashed it in my sock drawer.
How was I to know Anna was going to buy him another one?
No, naturally you assumed the one Charlie won was a one-off
bespoke and handcrafted piece. Why did you steal it back, anyway?
Why didn't you just tell Anna and Toby you found it when you were there?
Because I thought you would want to share in the righteous glory.
I thought I was doing the right thing, Lucy. Of course you did.
Because stealing toys from an eight-year-old's bedroom is
the kind of thing we're encouraged to do in the Bible!
You could at least have used the toilet while you were there. I might be a thief,
but I'm not the kind of weird thief that does a dump in the house. Are you going to tell on me?
Oh, trust me, I'd be more than happy to, but not now I've just lied and told them you didn't steal it.
I know. What about this?
We go round, say we're just passing by... Again?
You do realise they live in a cul de sac?
Where exactly are we supposed to be heading every time we're passing by? I go upstairs, again,
and I sneak the keyring back in Jack's bedroom where I found it.
It's a no brainer.
Finally, some self-awareness.
To start with, I don't think they'll ever let you
upstairs in their house again, and even if they did, imagine
if you went up to the toilet and the keyring suddenly appears.
What would that look like? A very disgusting magic trick?
All right. We'll just put it in any room. They'll never prove it was us.
If that keyring appeared after we'd been there, they'd know.
And we'd know they knew. And they'd know we knew they knew.
And we'd know that.
We'd all understand what was going on perfectly.
Not all of us. If we want to sneak that keyring back in to the house,
we'll have to do it without anyone ever knowing we were there.
How?
It's Anna and Toby's romantic date night tonight.
Jack's at a sleepover.
The house is empty.
Let me get this straight.
We are going to prove that we are not thieves by sneaking
round in the dead of night and breaking into their house.
We don't have to break in.
I know for a fact that Anna hides the spare key under the wheelie bin.
Do you know the code? The alarm code? No, Lucy. The dress code!
I was thinking black and white stripes, with a big swag bag.
I've been and out of that house with Anna loads of times
and she never sets the alarm. I'll phone Mum and see if she can babysit.
Well, tell her we'll be back in two to three years with good behaviour.
Where are you going? Putting it back in Jack's bedroom, behind the photo, where I found it.
But Anna said she's already searched Jack's room, from top to bottom.
She'll know someone put it back there.
We might as well leave a Parcelforce card, saying, we called,
you were out, so we broke into your house. So, where am I supposed to put it?
Where she definitely hasn't searched.
Where did Anna say she'd looked? In Jack's bedroom, playroom.
Exactly, all the fun places, where Jack would have had it.
But where does the least amount of fun happen?
Anna and Toby's bedroom?
Exactly.
That was actually a joke.
Don't put the light on!
It'll look like they've got burglars.
Oh, yeah. That's much less suspicious(!)
The neighbours will just think they've ordered some Milk Tray.
See? You wouldn't expect to find toys in here, would you?
I hope to God we don't.
So, where are we going to plant it, then?
In the wardrobe?
No, I don't really want to open the wardrobe.
Got this horrible feeling I'm going to find Anna hanging
upside down with her arms folded across her chest.
Well, where, then? Under the bed?
Anywhere! Can we just go, please?
Perfect.
DOOR CLOSES
Congratulations, Toby, on ruining yet another date night.
I didn't ruin it, Anna, I merely voiced an opinion.
Yes, an opposite opinion to mine.
I just don't think there was any need for you to go round to Lee
and Lucy's house and to accuse them of stealing.
No. That's right.
Your advice was to do absolutely nothing whatsoever, as usual.
I know. We'll get a gun. Don't be facetious.
It's not to stop people stealing stuff.
I promised I'd never divorce you,
so I need to find other exit strategies.
Is it me, or is it cold in here?
Can I choose both?
It should have been you going round to their house, not me.
Why can't you handle confrontation? I can.
I just don't need to go round to their house to get it.
I just wish you'd grow a pair.
I'm too busy growing apples to help you poison the Seven Dwarves.
Hang on.
What's that?
What?
Under the bed.
Well, well, well. What do we have here?
Oh, God! So, Lee didn't steal it after all.
Seems you owe him an apology.
I knew you'd misjudged him.
He's not the kind of person who'd snoop round people's bedrooms.
In fact, I think you owe them both an apology. Well, it's a bit late now.
They'll probably be in bed. I'll do it in the morning.
And I think I owe you an apology too, Toby.
Wow, that's...unprecedented.
I'm sorry date night ended so quickly.
Yeah, we didn't even finish our starters.
Well, maybe date night hasn't ended yet.
Maybe there's still time for a little bit...more.
OK, well, why don't I slip out of this shirt and jacket,
put on something more comfortable, jump in the car and go get us
both a takeaway?
I'm talking about sex.
Right, well, if that's what you want.
It's not a question of what I want, Toby.
But why pay a therapist all that money and not follow her advice?
It would be like hiring an au pair and then doing your own ironing.
OK, then. Let's...crumple some garments.
LOUD ZIPPER
MUSIC STARTS Do we have to have the music?
You know I can't get there without Buble.
Is that good? Mm-hm.
Buble? Hm.
There? There.
Yeah? Yeah.
Happy with that? No, Toby.
No, oh, no. Yeah. Yeah? Mm-hm.
Yeah? Yes.
Bright pink. One eye missing.
Our Furby! Jack did steal it!
Who cares?
FURBY YAWNS LOUDLY
I'm not keeping you awake, am I, Toby?
What? Never mind. Carry on doing what you were doing.
With the same frequency, or with more frantic oscillations?
You were doing fine.
Fine? I'm glad you're enjoying it.
If you wouldn't mind filling in a short survey afterwards.
FURBY: Wake up!
Happy? Yep. Yeah? Yeah.
FURBY PURRS LOUDLY
FURBY: Wake up!
FURBY CONTINUES JABBERING ON
FURBY SLIGHTY MUFFLED
BED STOPS CREAKING
See? Jack is a thief. You two must be feeling pretty embarrassed now.
Well, that was a bit awkward.
A bit awkward is trying to hug someone who only wants
to shake your hand.
Not breaking into your friends' house, hiding under their bed and listening to them having sex.
All right, a bit illegal.
Well, hopefully, they'll forgive us.
Especially since we proved Jack is a thief. Yeah, hopefully.
For all we know, they're planning revenge and hiding under OUR bed.
They're not there, I've already checked.
So, it's safe if me and you want to have a bit of... Wow.
I'm humiliated and you're horny.
Well, that's the introductions out of the way.
Oh, well. At least we now know that everyone's child has got the correct toy keyring.
Yeah, suppose. Can you pass me your phone, so I can text Anna
and say we'll pop round tomorrow and apologise properly?
And, hopefully, we can put all this theft talk behind us.
Hang on. What's this?
I've come away with Anna's knickers by mistake. Oh, God!
Don't worry. I've got a plan.
# We're not going out, not staying in
# Just hanging around with my head in a spin
# But there is no need to scream and shout
# We're not going out
♪ We are not going out. ♪